*Note: This is an outline for an article I have not yet written, but I thought it might be helpful to people already.

Admitting fully to what he has done

Stopping excuses

Stopping all blaming of her

Making amends

Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)

Identifying patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness

Identifying the attitudes that drive his abuse

Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured

Not starting to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work”, not using change as a bargaining chip

Not demanding credit for improvements he has made

Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)

Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors

Carrying his weight

Sharing power

Changing how he is in highly heated conflicts

Changing how he responds to his partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances

Changing his parenting

Changing his treatment of her as a parent

Changing his attitudes towards females in general

Accepting the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)